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The one thing I’ve noticed about blogging in my new phase of mommy-ness is what a touchy subject parenting is! I think it first dawned on me when Eva commented on being nice to Sarah Palin because she is “one of the girls.” I’ve felt the sensitivity when talking with other parents about breastfeeding, elimination communication or attachment parenting. I see it on other friends’ blogs who “confess” to weekly trips to McDonald’s, their choice to wean “early” or confusion about how to discipline their child. I sensed it when someone (the first person so far!) sort of made fun of me for having my baby poop in the toilet. This feeling is ubiquitous because parenting is one big mess of choices and sometimes, most of the time, it feels like there is no solid, clear answer on how to do it well. Yet you are charged with nurturing another pefectly helpless human being into a flourishing life. Talk about a tall order.
As a result, parenting has raised the bar on my level of empathy. Big, fat waves of empathy. I remember being home with Scout for the first week and thinking that everything I thought I would do as a parent was totally ridiculous. I would never use cloth diapers. I would never teach my baby sign language. I would never practice elimination communication. I would never be able to work again. I would be tired and sore for the rest of my life. And then I would die.
At my new parents group there is a woman who just started coming who has a three week old baby. That’s how old T-Rex was when we started going. Another woman in the group commented at the end of our time that it was kind of nice to have this new mama around. It felt good to know the first six weeks were over. We all chuckled but everyone of us was thinking the same thing. The new mama reminded us of how helpless and stupid we all felt in the beginning. It was nice to have a little bit more of this parenting thing under our belts.
Mothering/Parenting stretches me physically (how did my baby get to be such a heavy lump?) and emotionally (when will I stop checking her breathing every 20 minutes?). I feel like my brain doesn’t work like it used to. I can read books I used to really enjoy for no more than a few minutes because my head sort of shuts down. But things are easier than they have been and I anticipate them getting even better. We are using cloth diapers. I can shoot milk into my babies mouth from across the room. I am working (productively) again. She’s a constant toilet pooper and I don’t feel tired anymore. Well, at least not ALL the time.
Any judgments I had about anyone’s parenting choices are out the window. I have empathy for parents who let their babies cry it out. While I question that choice, I understand that there are probably some babies out there who won’t calm down even though their parents have tried everything. I have empathy for disposable diapers, formula feeders, parents who go back to work, moms who stay home full time. I even have a lot more empathy for woman who abort. This doesn’t mean I have changed my position on the moral question of life at conception. I very much believe that like the disabled, the poor and the ill, newly formed gametes are just as human as you or me. But imagining being a single mom with a full time job and an unrelenting boss, bills pilling up, no family to support me, it’s easy to imagine how 4 mid-night feedings, extra expense, negotiating time off work and constant crying would bring me to my knees.
I don’t think this means we should abandon blogging or talking about our parenting or having a sense that some ways of parenting are better than others. I do think this conversation requires mutual sensitivity and grace. It also means accepting that the way others parent may have something to teach me and that these suggestion are not an attack, just another way a mom or dad is trying to provide the best care and protection for their baby. If being a new mama has taught me anything, it’s that a hard line approaches is bound to lead to disappointment and regret. It’s also taught me that I can use all the help and conversation I can get.
I feel like I don’t know a single parent who does not have sleep drama with their tiny babies. We’re no exception. T-biscuit is approaching the three month mark and her night sleep is getting progressively worse. Atomic growth spurt? Nervous tick? Mid-night contemplations on the Divine? Who knows. But she’s gone down hill from 3-4 hour stretches to no more than 2 hours between night feedings. And I mean Thanksgiving meal-type feedings. I wonder how her stomach is able to contain so much when she eats this amount this frequently.
I have friends who have babies who started sleeping through the night at three months. And while I would prefer to actually enter REM sleep every once in a while, I don’t really want Scout to sleep through the night. Not yet. A large part of this is my hyper fear of SIDS which reaches its peak between 3 and 6 months in the months of December and January. Having assurance multiple times a night that she’s still breathing is okay by me.
But besides my neurosis I just don’t like to hear the baby cry. I think Scout cries about half of what I hear from any other baby I know. My guess is that there aren’t any siblings to compete for attention, Jake and I both work reduced schedules and we practice attachment parenting. Since we co-sleep she doesn’t need to cry at night to let us know she’s hungry. During the day I always try to feed or change her before she cries. If she’s tired and sad, someone holds her until she calms down. We have never, ever let her “cry it out.”
I know some people think this is a good philosophy, that babies need to learn to function on their own or they will grow up to be narcissistic adults. For us, it just make sense to answer the cry of a helpless baby. I’ve heard some people counter that babies sometimes cry just because they want attention. This seems like strange logic. Of course they want attention! They’re BABIES!
Most of the “sleep through the night” plans I have seen revolve around the “cry it out” method. A woman I work with told me that her husband, a doctor, discovered that once babies reach 10 lbs they no longer need night feedings. So they stopped feeding their 4 month old son at night. I remember feeling a little sick to my stomach imagining their son wailing in his room night after night until he realized no. one. is. coming.
Who knows what’s going on with my pile-of-goo baby. Maybe it will be another 8 months before we meet the elusive “sleeps through the night.” Maybe she will be attaching herself to my leg in the middle of the night as a teenager. Regardless, I’ll take my above average happy baby, curled up next to me in the bed.
As much as I am dreading moving to Manassas and away from my lovely, wondrous Portland the upcoming move does afford me the opportunity for my favorite thing – new options!
Some option-ings are less exciting than others. Finding a new church, not so much. Finding a new job, yes! My requirements have forced me to get creative which has been even more fun. I need to work part time, from home or be able to take the baby with me. I want to have a job that contributes to the common good. I would like a job which does not make me want to pluck my eyeballs out in the morning when I think about going to it.
Here’s what I’ve applied for/investigated thus far:
The Obama/Biden Administration – currently taking preliminary information for new hires. I’m going to tell Barack that I need to bring my baby with me to work. I think he’ll dig it.
Editing service for international graduate students – still in the works
Editor of on-line newsletter for pubic charter schools – turned down. darn!
Organizational manager for the new IAF affiliate, VOICE – contacted the priest I saw in the youtube clip and am waiting to hear something
Teaching/Organizing/Stirring things up at Truro – not hiring now, but my resume is on file
Teaching community college courses in religion/theology – application is in the works
Community organizer for an international union seemed a little intense for right now. Plus, sometimes you can get beat up doing that. L’Arche in DC was, of course, at the top of my list. But it seems that God did not have that in the cards this time around. I’ve also thought about getting entrepreneurial and opening a milk donor bank in D.C.
Anyway, the search is on. If you have any other crazy ideas, shoot them my way. I’d also be interested in working for a Mennonite church, a farmers market, a CSA, a Senator, a brewery or a crossword puzzle maker. There’s a distinct possibility I will end up doing absolutely nothing. But it doesn’t hurt to dream….
It’s after the election and about time for all the dirt 
to come out. I know I’m sinister, but I love hearing about what went down behind closed doors. Of note is the McCain aides throwing Sarah Palin under the bus. Or to the wolves. It’s bad enough that we might call it being thrown to wolves underneath the bus.
But my favorite piece of election gossip was a quote from Obama about his feelings regarding the debates. I thought of Isaac when I read it who was saddened that the cigarette smoking community organizer he liked so much had been transformed into a line spouting robot. Underneath it all turns out he was good old Barry Obama. This is from a recently released copy of transcript Newsweek recorded before one of the debates:
I don’t consider this to be a good format for me, which makes me more cautious. When you’re going into something thinking, ‘This is not my best …’ I often find myself trapped by the questions and thinking to myself, ‘You know, this is a stupid question, but let me … answer it.’ Instead of being appropriately [the tape is garbled]. So when Brian Williams is asking me about what’s a personal thing that you’ve done [that's green], and I say, you know, ‘Well, I planted a bunch of trees.’ And he says, ‘I’m talking about personal.’ What I’m thinking in my head is, ‘Well, the truth is, Brian, we can’t solve global warming because I f—ing changed light bulbs in my house. It’s because of something collective.
(Ah, another President who drops the f-bomb. Hopefully this one won’t do so on Tucker Carlson.) Yes! Exactly what we are all thinking! These debates are ridiculous! And addressing global warming is going to take a collective effort! My heart was warmed.
I spent the whole of yesterday anxious.
I was anxious about Pennsylvanians.
I was anxious that people would say they would vote for a black man but that they would renege in the voting booth.
I was anxious that we would spend the next four to eight years messing around with Supreme Court justices and impotent legislation while the abortion rate among the nation’s poorest continues to climb. I was anxious about more Justices who would put handguns back on the street and try to undo car emissions standards imposed by state governments. I was anxious about the planet being handed over to someone who gets kicks from chanting “drill, baby, drill.”
Today, more than anything else, I am simply relieved. It’s not that I don’t adore Barack Obama. I trust him and I think he will be a great President. But I know our country has no money and that our legislative branch tends to not get things done. I also know that promises from politicians are made to be broken. I’m preparing my heart now.
But the whole thing was pretty exciting, you have to admit. I was certainly in the spirit. For Halloween my office recruited our student staff to dress as swing states. They did a great job as you can see below. I especially appreciated Thomas’ attempt at Minnesota by plastering himself with “mini sodas.” haha. Scout came into work with me that day and she dressed as Virginia, which is technically a swing Commonwealth. I dressed as a less convincing North Carolina. On Friday we’re supposed to go to a party where we dress as the Schleitheim Confession which could prove more challenging.
