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The Washington Post, which, thanks to my parents we not get in print, recently ran a story entitled “More Accidental Infant Deaths Blamed on Suffocation in Bed.” As you can imagine, this is not the kind of story you want to read over your granola after waking up with your 5 month old next to you on the mattress.
The story explains that, from 1984 to 2002, the infant strangulation or suffocation rate jumped from 2.8 deaths per 100,000 live births to 12.5 per 100,000. But there are some important things to read in the subtext of the same article. The authors of the study point out that the main problem is adult behaviors. Super sound sleepers, parents who are obese or who use any drugs or alcohol before sleeping shouldn’t be bed sharing. There’s also the issue of reclassification. It used to be that whenever a baby died in sleep it was immediately documented as SIDS. Now investigators are doing a better job of classifying correctly.
Another issue is something called “chaotic bed sharing,” or “reluctant bed sharing” as I’ve heard it called by others. The article points out that the babies at highest risk for suffocation are the babies of very young mothers who are ethnic minorities. The reality in our country is that within this demographic are our poorest. Resources can be tight and sometimes a crib isn’t even an option or there simply is no room for one. Bed sharing isn’t done because it makes breastfeeding easier, babies sleep better, mama sleeps better, or is part of your parenting style (all good reasons). Bed sharing is done because there’s no other choice, and it’s often done uninformed.
James McKenna, the expert on mother-baby sleep behavior (from Notre Dame) did weigh in on the Post article. In his research there are a couple things he points out. First, cultures with virtually no SIDS rate are co-sleeping cultures. He also likes to use a comparison that I find helpful. We know that a lot of babies die in car accidents. So why do we let our babies ride in cars, even when the trip isn’t an absolute necessity? Because we weigh the risk and the advantage. And we do everything we can to make it a safe environment. Co-sleeping is the same. SIDS rates are sharply lower in families where the baby sleeps next to the mama whereas roll-over/strangulation is virtually eliminated by a correct adult behaviors.
Of course, it would it be wrong to say that these things never happen, even when a parent does everything right. But again, you have to weigh your risks and decide what feels most comfortable to you. And co-sleeping well does take a lot of changes. Here are some of the things we did that no one explained to us explicitly but we think are important:
1) We keep our mattress on the floor. Although baby is only interested in being very close to mama while she sleeps, so there’s little risk of her rolling away, we think it’s a good safety precaution.
2) Train yourself to sleep on your back. I always start facing Scout on my side, and when she’s asleep, roll on my back. Since I don’t sleep on my stomach, I never worried about rolling on top of her. Since she sleeps on the edge of the bed, rolling would also mean me rolling out of bed, which is unlikely.
3) Where a tank top that is well fitted but one that you can loosen the top. It’s awful to have to mess around with buttons at 3 am. I was also never comfortable with loose fitting clothing.
4) Short sheet your bed so there’s less on your side. This way I never have to worry about bunched up sheets getting on top of old Scout. Also, sleep with only your bottom half covered so there’s nothing near the baby’s face.
5) Think about putting pillows under your fitted sheet. We never resorted to this but I’ve thought about it. Our baby has to sleep with something touching the top of her head so she nuzzles in to our pillow. This was a little scary at first, but she’s been doing it for 5 months without a problem.
6) Don’t put the baby between you and your partner. I know there are varying opinions on this, but I just don’t trust my husband’s intuition or night-waking ability in the same way as my own. Plus, there’s a lot of sheets and pillows and bodies to negotiate in that environment.
7) Don’t put the baby next to the wall, near window shade chords or curtains. It will just make you nervous. As I mentioned before, she’s a heat seeking-missile and isn’t likely to roll out of bed. The idea of her getting wedged between the wall and mattress, however unlikely, would keep me up at night.
I don’t think the co-sleeping is a must. But for us, it makes a lot more sense. For one, I’m kind of SIDS crazy. When Tennyson rolled over at 2 months, she refused to be on her back from there on out. I knew she would start trying to sleep on her stomach and that made me really nervous. She also has to sleep in her swaddle, if she’d going to sleep for more than 20 minutes. On many occasions when she’s napping (which she does on her own), I’ve found she’d partially gotten out of her swaddle so that it’s bunched up around her neck. The thought of this happening in the middle of the night with no one to help her is really, really scary.
Some families have no problems laying down their unswaddled, back sleeping babies and having them sleep for 5 hours. We do not have that baby. And while I never thought I would co-sleep (I’m in general a nervous person about safety), I have to say, it’s one of my favorite parts of being a parent. Another part of having a high energy, inquisitive and energetic baby is that they don’t like to go to sleep. And they really don’t like to cuddle. Right before sleep and first thing in the morning, when Scout is still gooey and sleepy and will lay there and let me stroke her face and hair, ah yes, that’s what it’s all about.
Last week Jacob and I took Scout to what we hope will be the first of many political demonstrations. This event was the March for Life, a huge pro-life march from the Capitol to the Supreme Court that happens every anniversary of Roe v Wade.
I’m a bit squeemish about the march. I’m grossed out by the very graphic signs that show aborted baby parts in trash cans. I’m offended by the rhetoric that compares women who abort to Nazis during the Holocaust (for most women, choosing an abortion is an agonizing decision, sometimes not even the choice they want to make). I hate that this is the most partisan day of the year, far more than election day. I almost hurled when Senator Brownback, in I-m-running-for-Gov-of-Kansas propogandic style announced that “our candidate had lost this one but….”
But I am pro-life, pro-life enough to vote for Barack Obama and see a reduction in both abortions and the #1 cause of abortion (poverty) rather than a Supreme Court showdown that may never come to pass and will only land the issue back in the States’ courts. So we marched. There were a lot of Catholics there and we were never able to track down any Mennonites for Life, if there is such a thing. Lots of people commented that our baby was “a precious gift,” which was nice. I did wonder if they had thought about how much work babies are, and how much more overwhelming the work of babies might seem if you didn’t have health insurance, a steady paycheck, a partner supporting you or knew where you would live the next week.
Now, I know this was an anti-abortion rally. But I’m still struck at how narrowly the religious right has defined “pro-life.” Whether it’s Chuck Colson reversing his opinion that capital punishment is outside God’s plan for redemption, or the NAE putting pressure on Cizik to shut up about global warming, it’s pretty atrocious how we Christians compartmentalize “life.” I did see one woman, also with a baby, with a sign urging us to be pro-life about the situation in Darfur. I gave her a mental high-five.
We wanted to bring the consistency message with our presence, and with our sign. I sort of regret putting “stem cell research” on it, mostly because they can do the same research with the cord blood of birthed babies. So the debate is basically over, or so I’ve read. I hate to continue sensationalizing this topic. And Jacob wanted to add that pro-life means YES to American Indian Land Rights and Care of Creation. But we ran out of room.
Scout turned five months old yesterday. Our exciting development, as of about 2 weeks ago, is that she can now sit up on her own. This means she can now PLAY on her OWN. This is very exciting indeed. Here she is with her new favorite toy – the newspaper.
Manassas might be the worst place to live for someone hoping to attend the inauguration. You may be saying, “but why? You are only 30 miles from the White House.” Here’s why:
1) because we live so close, there’s no way we could justify getting a hotel room in the city. We also couldn’t justify asking friends for a place to stay because so many are expecting out of towners. Plus there’s the issue of….
2) The Baby. The baby does not like near-zero temperatures, 7 mile walks, spending all day outside, crowds, not having her diaper changed for 12 hours/having her diaper changed on the back of the person in front of her on the Mall, not taking a nap for a whole day. But even if baby could stay at home with grandma there’s the issue of…..
3) Breastfeeding. T-biscuit is and will be exclusively breastfeed until 6 months (only 1 month, 1 week, 2 hours and 13 minutes to go, but who’s counting…). This, combined with the fact that she is a big baby, she eats a lot. Which means mommy has to feed her a lot. Or pump a lot. Pumps are not welcome at the inauguration. Not that there would be the room or the facilities to even try it out. But even if that worked out we’d have to….
4) Get into the city. Snowballs chance. All major highways and bridges leading into the city closed down last night. Only emergency vehicles allowed. Or the Metro. So, we, along with a million other unfortunate Marylanders and Virginians, have to find a way to velcro ourselves onto the at-capacity light rail in order to get downtown. We know people who are leaving at 4 am tomorrow. Not going to happen. Plus, we enjoy…
5) Food, water and the bathroom. None of these will be available to those attending the ‘naug. If we were the not-breastfeeding type, young and youthful, ready to strap on some Depends, we would so be there. As it stands, I need to keep drinking and eating for this baby. There’s also the weirdness of….
6) Watching it on the screen at home…. or on the Mall? Basically, no one is going to be able to see Barack lay that sweet hand on Lincoln’s Bible. Most people will be watching jumbo trons from the steps of the Smithsonian. Were it not for the above 5 reasons, I would easily be convinced to go down just to be a part of the moment. Alas.
So, we, like you (minus the Newell-Chings and Laura) will be T-minusing it in the living room, knowing that 30 miles away things are about to be very different.
I’m taking a break from a gruelling editing assignment to provide a much needed update on all things of our life. We’re in Manassas, having made it across the whole United States of America. T-bop continued her champion sleeping performance and we did great! So these are the haps:
Friends and Relations - We had a great time catching up with loved ones throughout our journey. We enjoyed a solid two week stint in Iowa before heading south and west to see my college roommate Andi. We spent two nights in her Wichita house with 3 somewhat-fostered children, one baby Nancy, one live-in friend from church, 2 dogs, 6 puppies, a birthday party, Andi, her husband Jared and the three of us. And one bathroom. It was amazing. I have no idea how they do it. Next it was back on the trail for a Louisville lunch with Ashley and husband Chris before spending the night in Cicinnati with Jake’s college friends, the Wrights.
Elimination Communication - Since I know you all are DYING to know about my baby’s bowel movements…. Scout has finally condensed her BMs to one a day. This is very exciting for us as it means no more getting up in the middle of the night to hold her over the toilet. She’s pooped in a diaper only once in the past month. This was in the middle of the Anheiser-Busch factory tour in St Louis. We are guessing she was showing her disapproval of the corporate brew monster. She is an Oregonian, after all.
A Sad Goodbye - A few days into the second leg of our trip, somewhere in the middle of Missouri, I got a call from my friend-boss Laura at UP telling me that one of our students had died. It turned out that a leaky cap on a furnace spewed poisonous carbon monoxide into the Denver University apartment of Lauren Johnson, one of our beloved Moreau Center faithful. It was heartbreaking news.
Babies, babies, babies - It’s official. More of my friends are pregnant now than not. Congrats to Brooke, Carla, Jane, Lisa, Nora, Becca and Charissa.
Other Scout Things – The baby is now 4 months, 2 weeks. She is 26 inches tall and weighs 14.5 lbs, the 95% and 50-75% respectively. In other words, she big. Thanks to intensive pilates, she is finally able to sit up on her own and now she will not have it any other way. Co-sleeping is still happening but we’re not ashamed. Why be ashamed? If you lived in your mother’s womb for 9 months, wouldn’t you want to sleep next to her for a few post-partum months? I would. She’s also discovered that she has hands which is nice.
Jobs – Jacob is busily applying for jobs all over kingdom come. It’s funny to finally be here after months of planning and packing and moving. We’re looking around like, “okay, now what?” We’re starting to feel like DC is awfully far for Jake to travel, especially with our crazy traffic. It’s possible we’d be looking at a 1.5-2 hour commute. So if he takes a job in the city, he’s really got to want it bad. Bad enough to not see the baby. I doubt that will happen. But we keep looking, praying that the Lord will make the path clear and honor our committment to be closer to family. (PS. If you know anyone working in the Obama Admin, please put in a good word for us.)
Me – I am working from home for a company that edits academic journal submissions for foreign academics. It’s pretty intense as sometimes what I get is totally undecipherable. I spend a lot of time adding comments like, “Please clarify what you mean” and “What does ‘it’ refer to?” and “I’m not sure what this phrase is saying.” But it pays the bills. I want to get involved in some local Manassas politics, study for the GRE and work on some other projects but editing is taking all my time right now. Sigh.
So that’s the news from here. Duke is winning, I have a job, we have a wonderful baby. So all in all, I’d say we’re in a good space.
Happy Advent. Merry Christmas. Blessed New Year.
The last two weeks have been a whirlwind as we’ve hurttled across the country, escaping our beloved Oregon with a blizzard breathing down our necks, moving through the West, through Advent, into Christmas and Iowa and everything else that is waiting out there for us.
To my surprise, the dark hole of being unsettled from everything we have known did not overwhelm me in the way I expected. Riding in the car with Scout a few days before we left Portland, I felt this wave of nausea thinking that soon we would have no place. If she needed to sleep or cry or simply to be somewhere safe, we had nothing for her. Only a car seat, frozen pavement and hotel rooms. It was a sickening feeling.
It turned out to be less harrowing than that and even somewhat of an adventure, an exhausting adventure, but one we all enjoyed in part. Staying (almost) one step ahead of the weather was the scary part. You might have seen the blasting the northwest got the week before Christmas. We made it out in a flurry of panic at 4 in the morning with thick, wet snow already 3 inches deep, the Columbia River Gorge closing in behind us.
Scout was amazing. Fantastic. Perfect. Incredible. She would awaken with the movement of mama around 5 a.m. and play on her tummy, bright eyed if not a bit blurry, while we packed. We would change her diaper her, swaddle her and slip her back into the car seat where she fell back asleep for a solid 3-4 hours. Around 10 we would stop for the Big Breakfast. T would get to take in all the input of her new surroundings until she maxed out, rubbed eyes and went back to sleep for another round of 3 hours. We would take a few pit stops for gas, diaper change, nursing and stretches but made it to our hoped-for destination each night at 7.
We finally made it to Iowa on the eve of Christmas Eve to a delighted Florer family. The next few days are a hazy blur of church and Christmas presents and family and football followed closely by a bought of stomach flu that took out 20 members of the family, leaving only Scout and my youngest sister-in-law untouched.
It’s been so good to be with family, to have lots of people to adore our baby and to be away from the absolute craziness that was the last month of packing, hauling, craigslisting, finishing up work, ending our lives in Portland, saying goodbye. At the same time this season that I love has been lost to me. There was no intentionality, no attempts at reflection. We are weary and still working to recover from the season we’ve come out of. But it is Christmas none-the-less. It may be the Christmas of tired new parents. It may be the Christmas of -10 degree nights in Montana. It may be the Christmas of being unsettled, unknown and unsure. But Christ has come into the world and we know, in spite of it all, that everything is being made new.
Praise to the king of kings who knows what it is like to have no place to lay his head.
